Emotional Roller Coaster

Last Tuesday, since Eddie was busy with school, it was just me and Courtney going to YouthPride. The one-on-one time was great; we got a really good chance to talk, and we bonded pretty well. One of the big things that came up in the conversation was my fraternity, and how I miss out on the dances and social events because I don't feel comfortable going with a girl that didn't know I was gay. So, she offered to accompany me as my date to any event I wanted, which is great!!! I'm really looking forward to spending more time with my fraternity now. The rest of the night went pretty well- after my all-guys meeting and her all-girls meeting, I took her out to dinner to a Mexican place, and we probably came off as a straight couple, walking close together, bouncing off each other, and laughing like we didn't have a care in the world, but whatever- it was fun. There was one disappointment that night though- I was hoping to get some clue from her that Eddie might be interested in me, but I got none. I even brought up conversations that would safely allow her to give me some indication of that.... but nothing.

Yesterday, both Eddie and Courtney were free, and we once again attended the Young Adult Forum at YP all together. The car ride had been going really well- they're both really nice and good-spirited persons- but then he mentioned how he was going out on a date that night after the meeting with someone from that group. He told me how he was feeling a little nervous and didn't really know what to expect, or if it was even a date at all... it was cute to see him worry about it, but that kind of ruined my night. I was pretty down throughout the entire meeting, but I was able to come off as just being tired. Afterwards, it was just me and Courtney riding back, and I opened up to her and told her I wasn't tired, just a little depressed. I explained how it sucked to see gay guys all around me that have accomplished so much more than I have in terms of dating, including guys that are deeper in the closet than I am, like Eddie. It was good that I told her because she did manage to cheer me up some. She apparently even told Eddie how I was feeling, and he texted me this morning to see how I was doing... they're both great people, and, despite the feelings I have for Eddie, I see an amazing friendship blooming. I know I will get over this crush fast- I cannot let it get in the way of a priceless friendship... Oh, and by the way, this morning we decided that the three of us are going out to eat at a nice restaurant Friday night. That'll be fun.

After dropping off Courtney last night at her dorm, I got back to my apartment still just a little down from the night's drama. Paul sat down next to me on the couch and wanted to hear what was going on, so I told him how I was feeling and gave him some vague details as to why I felt that way. His response confused me a little- he started mentioning Courtney, and how I’m apparently really good with girls. I didn’t have much to say to that- he knows I’m gay, so I just told him I can bond emotionally with girls really well; I didn’t need to explain myself. He then somehow turned this into a conversation about homosexuality, and how it’s a choice that can be easily changed. WTF? I explained how there is no choice involved, that I’ve always been gay, and that it does occur in nature, throughout a lot of species in the animal kingdom. It turns out he’s convinced that it’s not a biological thing, and that there is no way it can occur in nature either. His true ignorance showed even more: “So if it’s a biological thing, it had to start somewhere- which one was gay, Adam or Eve?” I couldn’t believe the open hostility he was showing, cutting of my statements mid-sentence and telling me that I’m wrong. I was so mad that I had to get up and leave with my dinner before I said anything to him I’d later regret. Once I locked myself in my room, however, my rage turned into a depression, and I knew I needed to talk with someone. I found out Peter was free and he invited me over to his apartment to talk. He really calmed me down a lot, explaining that some people really have been raised to believe some crazy things, and that it’s nearly impossible to change the views that have been instilled in them since they were kids. We chatted about that, as well as other things, and that was enough to bring me back to a more stable mood. I returned to my apartment a happier man, and Paul came to my room to apologize for having been so harsh. I told him that we have conflicting views and are at a stalemate as neither of us will change those views, so we agreed to not talk about it.

Despite all the shit I went through yesterday, today has been a great day. The rain finally stopped and the sun came out. Work isn’t bad either, and there’s really nothing that’s bothering me right now. I’m very happy…

Oh, and as for Paul, who I had regarded as probably my best friend at school: my friendship with him will probably decay from here on out. Though I’m going to try to not think about what he said last night, it still hurt a lot to hear those words from him, and I will never forget he said them. I will not actively attempt to ruin this friendship, but I realize I probably will never feel the same way with him. The trust is gone.

-GTG1