All Posts Restored! 11:21 PM

I've reviewed and restored all the posts I had earlier taken down, albeit with a few modifications here and there.

Recap: My roommate Paul saw the title of this blog, and I took it down immediately to prevent him from seeing anything too bad. I've censored a few things, but everything's pretty much unchanged, for the most part.

Jumper 9:46 AM

Jumper. I've enjoyed this beautiful song for a long time, but it wasn't until today that I decided to look up what it actually means.... and, oh my God, I feel that it speaks directly to me. It brought tears to my eyes listening to it again, this time understanding the back-story to the song.

I cite Wikipedia:

Lead singer Stephan Jenkins has said that the song "comes from a story our manager told us about a high school friend of his who was gay. He went to a conservative school in San Diego [with] all sons of military types. Being gay was just not acceptable. He offed himself--he jumped off a bridge." The song is also about Jenkins' own difficult, often alienating childhood experiences. He says, "My parents divorced, and that hurt me. We were poor and I went to a rich high school. I was dyslexic and had Attention Deficit Disorder, which I still have. So I carried all these things with me. One afternoon I had this epiphany. I said 'You know what? I don't have it all together. I come from stuff that was really difficult, and that's me. That's who I am.' I embraced that. There's a line in the song that says, 'Everyone's got to face down the demons/Maybe today we can put the past away.' It's very much a song about putting the past away."

Incredible, right?

But, that wasn't enough for me- there were still verses that I didn't understand, so I sought out further clarification of what is being said in the song.

Here is the most agreed-upon interpretation on lyricinterpretations.com:

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend (ITS NOT WORTH SUICIDE)
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in (DENYING HOMOSEXUALITY)
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand (EMBARASSED THAT THE SINGER KNOWS THE TRUTH)

The angry boy a bit too insane (TOO UPSET ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION)
Icing over a secret pain (TRYING TO HIDE YOUR HOMOSEXUALITY)
You know you don't belong (NOT LIKE EVERY OTHER BOY)

Youre the first to fight
Youre way too loud (CLUES THAT HE IS UPSET)
Youre the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know somethings wrong (SINGER CAN TELL THAT HE IS HIDING HIS HOMOSEXUALITY)

Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away (EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE)

...

Well he's on the table and he's gone to code (SOMEONE CLOSE HAS DIED)
And I do not think anyone knows
What theyre doing here (THE DEATH IS UNEXPECTED)

And your friends have left you
Youve been dismissed(NO ONE WANT HIM AROUND BECAUSE HE IS HOMOSEXUAL)
I never thought it would come to this (NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN)
And i, I want you to know

Everyones got to face down the demons (EVERYONE HAS TO OVERCOME THEIR TRIALS)
Maybe today
You could put the past away (FORGET ABOUT THE HARDSHIPS)

...

I looked up what it means when he says "he's gone to code"- that refers to the medical term "code blue," when someone's heart has stopped beating... Also, note the struggle/fight scene in the music video between two guys- one guy briefly kisses the other at the end of the scene.... How could I have missed all this before?!

-GTG1

All's Good 11:32 PM

Ok... I actually tried reading through that last post of mine... and my eyes went crazy. They couldn't handle the color combination. So, I got another simple, yet easier to read, blog template. Hope you like it :) ...I've updated the blog roll with any new additions that were emailed to me or left in the last post's comments. Keep sending 'em in! ... I'm still working on restoring all my old posts (I need to clean them up a bit first).

...haha I just came out to another roommate (that's 4 down & 1 left to go): I was visibly and audibly frustrated- it was over a Facebook glitch that had falsely reported that Eddie had defriended me. (Though it was an error, the damn website showed that he wasn't a friend for more than an hour). The roommate asks, "Was it like a special girl that defriended you on Facebook?" My response, "Not exactly." He asks, "You're gay?" Me- "yep." Him- "cool." We go back to watching TV like nothing ever happened. hahahaha...

There were a lot of comments left in the last post about the fraternity- Yes, everything I said is totally true. This is a fraternity in the South, and, yet, every brother so far that knows has been incredibly warm... and they've even gone so far as to tell me to bring any special guy friends over to the house and that I should also invite a guy to our Formal and Semi-Formal dances. Wow! That meant sooo much to me. What good guys... (even though I really wouldn't feel comfortable bringing a guy to our Formal or Semi-Formal events, but whatever). I've decided that I'm actually gonna live in the fraternity house starting in the summer- my comfort level with them has skyrocketed since I've come out to more people.

Ah, and to recap what's been going on with the guy I really like right now (This is for you Jason haha): His name is Eddie (well that's the pseudonym I've given him). I met him 3-4 weeks ago at YouthPride (an organization for Atlanta's gay youth), and he happened to be one of the very few people at this meeting that goes to my school. In fact, I never see anyone from Tech there, so I got really excited when he mentioned he's a fellow Yellow Jacket. With something like that in common, it was really easy to get to know him and the girl he was with, Courtney. They're both some pretty spectacular people, and we've been hanging out about once per week... which isn't much, but that's cool. He doesn't seem to be interested me, and he's even told me that he's not looking for a relationship with anyone. He told me this after I asked him what was going on between him and Charley, a guy at YP that I know really likes Eddie and has been hanging out with him a lot. I've spoken separately with Charley, who's now also my friend, and I've discovered that he's given up trying to get with Eddie after several failed attempts... So, despite me knowing that Eddie's probably a dead-end, I still like him and get really hopeful every time we text each other. I'm trying to not let it bother me that this whole thing may not work out, but I still love the feeling I get when there's a glimpse of hope... This week I might have dinner with him. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, and as for the obsession I used to have with Danny- we're practically best friends now, and he knows virtually all my secrets (except the one where I used to think he was gay, and I really really liked him). It sucks that that relationship could never be the way I fantasized, but, oh well- what more could I ask for? He's such a great friend. (Also, falling for Eddie got me over the Danny obsession).

So, that's what's been going on- my life has been amazing this past month.
-GTG1

Being Gay 11:23 PM

I finally put the blog list back up!!! I know I've missed a few, so please let me know if you'd like me to add your blog, and I will graciously accept...

I mentioned in my last post that three Fridays ago, I would be going to a restaurant with Eddie and Courtney- well, we did, and that night turned out to be one of the most exciting ones I've had in a long time. After a great dinner discussion at Gordon Bierch, the three of us ended up going to a gay club- the Jungle. Wow! I had never been to one, and my notion of what it would be like was completely shattered- I used to be sketched out by the idea of nightclubs in general, but it turned out to not be so bad. Actually, with the right people, it was pretty fun. I, who's never enjoyed dancing, discovered that I can really get into it and enjoy it.... wow... what an amazing night. The guy that invited us to the club was the same guy that Eddie had gone on a "date" with earlier that week- Charley- and I got to know him pretty well that night. He's pretty cool, and quite intelligent, but not a guy that I'm attracted to or anything. Now that we're on the topic- I had openly asked Eddie sometime last week what was going on between him and Charley, and his response: "I don't really know. I don't want a relationship or anything right now- I'm just cool hanging out with him." Kind of a confusing response... I wonder if he knew I'm interested in him and was trying to disarm the topic- no clue. Either way, I've concluded that I'm not going to let the whole "I-like-Eddie-but-he-doesn't-seem-to-like-me" ordeal bother me too much... So Friday ended, I drove us back to school, and I deemed that night a success.

The following Wednesday, I got kind of down when both Eddie and Courtney canceled on me (Recall that Wednesday is the night we all go to YouthPride together), but then Eddie called me later on that night saying that he'll be late, but would go if I was still up for it. Damn, I got so happy when he said that! I picked him up after his test, took him to his apartment to change clothes, and then we headed out towards YP. I loved the one-on-one time with him- we discovered that we liked the same kind of music, and we spent most of the ride just blasting some good tunes. (That's also when we had that chat about the status of him and Charley.) We made it to the meeting for only the last 20 minutes, but it went great. The last portion of the Young Adult Forum was spent talking about dumb stuff, and Eddie and I shot glances back and forth at each other the whole time, silently agreeing that some things that people said were either funny or stupid. Afterward, he and I met up with Charley, who drove us in his car to go eat at Joe's on Juniper, a good gay restaurant in Atlanta. [OMG, Eddie's texting me right now to hang out, but I'm out-of-town, goddammit!!!] It was sooo chill just hanging out with just two of them. There was absolutely no weird tension going on between Charley and Eddie during dinner, and we were able to have an awesome discussion about our personal histories and ambitions. I loved it! Dinner ended and we decided to end the night there- I had work the next day, and Eddie had swim practice really early the next morning (oh yeah, did I mention he's a swimmer?!)

Saturday afternoon, I met up on campus with Charley, who had come to see Eddie compete in a big swim meet at our school. He was really early, like by 2 hours, so I gave him a tour of our campus, since he'll be attending here next semester for a few classes for his Russian minor and could probably use a good campus sightseeing walk. He got uber-excited from all the buildings and facilities that I showed him- it really will be cool hanging out more with him next semester. After we finished the tour, we picked up Courtney at her dorm, and the three of us went over to the swim meet. It was OK to watch- I actually got pretty bored when Eddie wasn't swimming, but whatever, I was glad just to have something to do. After that was over, Eddie had stuff to do with his family, so we set out to do our own thing. I dropped off Courtney at her dorm so she could take a nap, and Charley and I ended up going to the Flying Biscuit, another restaurant in Atlanta's gay district. We had a good chat, but nothing special. We finished up and then headed back to my apartment, so I could change into appropriate clothes for my fraternity's party that night, to which I had invited Eddie, Courtney, and Charley.

Back in my apartment, I got dressed while Charley met and talked with my roommates. It turns out that he actually knew one of them from middle and high school- Lee... funny. After I finished and we left to the fraternity, Charley quickly explained how he was 75% certain that Paul was gay (recall that he's the roommate that gave me shit for "choosing" to be gay), and that that was the reason why Paul had lashed out against me the previous week... hmmm, interesting idea, but I'm not giving it much thought. I'll have to introduce Eddie and Courtney to him to see what they think, but again, I'm don't care too much about it... We arrived at the party way too early, so there was essentially no one there, but it gave us a good chance to talk for a bit before he headed back home one hour later. After he left, the real fun started- Courtney actually showed up with a pack of her female friends, and I started drinking. I rarely drink or, even more rarely, get drunk, but this night, I had decided that I was going to finally enjoy one of our parties. I had come out to over 10 people in the fraternity over the past week, and had concluded that they were the best bunch of people I've been exposed to. I deeply regret having previously thought that shit would hit the fan once they found out, but, so far, about 25 people know I'm gay in the fraternity, and they've been nothing but warm and accepting. So, for the first time, I've felt truly at peace and comfortable with them, and that manifested itself that night in me drinking and getting pretty drunk with my fellow brothers. God, Saturday night was probably the most fun I've had in months.... (oh, and I danced a shitload- there were a ton of girls rubbing up all over me, hahaha).

The following Tuesday night, I went to YP again, this time by myself though. The group for the all-guys forum was really small, but we had an ok discussion. It got better when Charley made an unexpected appearance; he always has some different views to contribute... Afterward, the two of us went out for dinner and talked for hours. He told me something extremely interesting that night- he's given up on Eddie. Apparently, Eddie hasn't been responding to any of his clues, and Charley just doesn't believe there's anything there... so he's done trying. Wow... that's both good and bad news for me. It’s good in that I know Eddie's semi-available, but bad in that he really was serious when he told me earlier that he wasn't looking for a relationship… Still, I enjoyed that night.

Wednesday, I went to work, and then left at noon to begin my pilgrimage home. It took me about 8 hours to drive to Tampa, but, luckily, I had friends with me to keep me company. The few days I’ve been here for Thanksgiving vacation were a good break from Atlanta’s accelerated lifestyle. It was great seeing my old best friends from high school, but I’m already looking forward to getting back to Atlanta. I’ll be driving back tomorrow morning…

I’ll keep you posted on what happens with Eddie,
-GTG1

Emotional Roller Coaster 7:47 AM

Last Tuesday, since Eddie was busy with school, it was just me and Courtney going to YouthPride. The one-on-one time was great; we got a really good chance to talk, and we bonded pretty well. One of the big things that came up in the conversation was my fraternity, and how I miss out on the dances and social events because I don't feel comfortable going with a girl that didn't know I was gay. So, she offered to accompany me as my date to any event I wanted, which is great!!! I'm really looking forward to spending more time with my fraternity now. The rest of the night went pretty well- after my all-guys meeting and her all-girls meeting, I took her out to dinner to a Mexican place, and we probably came off as a straight couple, walking close together, bouncing off each other, and laughing like we didn't have a care in the world, but whatever- it was fun. There was one disappointment that night though- I was hoping to get some clue from her that Eddie might be interested in me, but I got none. I even brought up conversations that would safely allow her to give me some indication of that.... but nothing.

Yesterday, both Eddie and Courtney were free, and we once again attended the Young Adult Forum at YP all together. The car ride had been going really well- they're both really nice and good-spirited persons- but then he mentioned how he was going out on a date that night after the meeting with someone from that group. He told me how he was feeling a little nervous and didn't really know what to expect, or if it was even a date at all... it was cute to see him worry about it, but that kind of ruined my night. I was pretty down throughout the entire meeting, but I was able to come off as just being tired. Afterwards, it was just me and Courtney riding back, and I opened up to her and told her I wasn't tired, just a little depressed. I explained how it sucked to see gay guys all around me that have accomplished so much more than I have in terms of dating, including guys that are deeper in the closet than I am, like Eddie. It was good that I told her because she did manage to cheer me up some. She apparently even told Eddie how I was feeling, and he texted me this morning to see how I was doing... they're both great people, and, despite the feelings I have for Eddie, I see an amazing friendship blooming. I know I will get over this crush fast- I cannot let it get in the way of a priceless friendship... Oh, and by the way, this morning we decided that the three of us are going out to eat at a nice restaurant Friday night. That'll be fun.

After dropping off Courtney last night at her dorm, I got back to my apartment still just a little down from the night's drama. Paul sat down next to me on the couch and wanted to hear what was going on, so I told him how I was feeling and gave him some vague details as to why I felt that way. His response confused me a little- he started mentioning Courtney, and how I’m apparently really good with girls. I didn’t have much to say to that- he knows I’m gay, so I just told him I can bond emotionally with girls really well; I didn’t need to explain myself. He then somehow turned this into a conversation about homosexuality, and how it’s a choice that can be easily changed. WTF? I explained how there is no choice involved, that I’ve always been gay, and that it does occur in nature, throughout a lot of species in the animal kingdom. It turns out he’s convinced that it’s not a biological thing, and that there is no way it can occur in nature either. His true ignorance showed even more: “So if it’s a biological thing, it had to start somewhere- which one was gay, Adam or Eve?” I couldn’t believe the open hostility he was showing, cutting of my statements mid-sentence and telling me that I’m wrong. I was so mad that I had to get up and leave with my dinner before I said anything to him I’d later regret. Once I locked myself in my room, however, my rage turned into a depression, and I knew I needed to talk with someone. I found out Peter was free and he invited me over to his apartment to talk. He really calmed me down a lot, explaining that some people really have been raised to believe some crazy things, and that it’s nearly impossible to change the views that have been instilled in them since they were kids. We chatted about that, as well as other things, and that was enough to bring me back to a more stable mood. I returned to my apartment a happier man, and Paul came to my room to apologize for having been so harsh. I told him that we have conflicting views and are at a stalemate as neither of us will change those views, so we agreed to not talk about it.

Despite all the shit I went through yesterday, today has been a great day. The rain finally stopped and the sun came out. Work isn’t bad either, and there’s really nothing that’s bothering me right now. I’m very happy…

Oh, and as for Paul, who I had regarded as probably my best friend at school: my friendship with him will probably decay from here on out. Though I’m going to try to not think about what he said last night, it still hurt a lot to hear those words from him, and I will never forget he said them. I will not actively attempt to ruin this friendship, but I realize I probably will never feel the same way with him. The trust is gone.

-GTG1

Meeting People 1:28 PM

So, YouthPride. The organization that organizes events for Atlanta's younger-aged LGBT community (like 13-24 years old, I think). I used to think it was OK, just alright... but I went to Young Adults Forum on Wednesday night, and I loved it. This time around, there were a couple new people... from my school!!! It was a good-looking guy and a girl (she was good-looking too, lol), who apparently act as if though they were a straight couple at school, but they're, in fact, both gay. Hilarious. After the meeting, I talked with both of them, and I ended up giving them a ride back to campus, though not before stopping at a restaurant with the rest of the Young Adult Forum group.

I really hit it off with the girl, Courtney- she's so awesome and sweet. I found it really easy to talk with her about anything, and she even knows some of my friends. As for the guy, Eddie, I spoke with him for a good bit, but not as much as I did with Courtney... Eddie. I couldn't get a good read from him. Like, I don't know what he's looking for in YP, or what kind of guy he might be interested in, or even if he's looking... I do know that I'm interested in him though... Hopefully the three of us will hang out sometime and I'll get to know them, especially him, a lot better- I'll let you know how this all plays out.

...I'm still at work, but I'm thinking I might head over to the airport right after work at 5pm and hop on a standby flight home. It should be a relaxing weekend. I'm doing this because pretty much all my friends will be busy doing stuff with their other friends, and I'd rather not sit in my apartment and feel bad, so I escape.

...The text color used to be a very light gray, and now I've made it a darker gray. I think the contrast being too high was messing with our eyes... but it really depends on your individual screens. What do think?

Enjoy the weekend,
-GTG1

Atlanta Pride Parade 10:12 AM

This past weekend was the Atlanta Pride Festival... but my parents were in town the same weekend, so I couldn't go to as many of the events as I would have liked to. I still had a great weekend; I loved spending time with the family, and after they left on Sunday morning, I was finally able to go to ONE event- the parade.

Sunday was an incredibly gorgeous day- the temperature was in the high 60s, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the day couldn't have been more perfect. I was originally scheduled to co-pilot an airplane that morning, but cancelled because I figured that the Pride Festival didn't happen that often, compared to the number of times a week I'll soon be flying. So, after I said goodbye to my family, I headed over to the fraternity to meet up with the straight guy who had invited me to go. (I was really surprised the night before when he had sent an email to the whole fraternity trying to find out who was going.) It turned out to be just me and him going, providing the perfect opportunity to come out to yet another fraternity brother... We walked along the parade route exploring the atmosphere and talking about gay culture in general. We were discussing how sexuality shouldn't ever matter in any situation, except in the bedroom, and that's when I said something like, "Yeah, it's as if society expects us to say 'Hi, my name is [GTG1] and I'm gay,' which I am by the way." I said that and we kept talking like nothing big had come up, which is great!!! Coming out to him, it felt completely normal to say, "I'm gay," which I'd never really felt before. We later talked about how being gay affects my relationship with our fraternity, and I responded honestly, that I sometimes felt like I don't belong... but whatever. I feel that my relationship with the fraternity will one day "click," and I'll be a lot more comfortable with them than I have been in the past.

So, anyways, we met up with another fraternity brother, Peter (I've mentioned him before- he's gay, but the fraternity doesn't know), before the parade started, and we all stood together to watch. The parade began and reached our section, at the intersection of Peachtree Street and 5th Street, and I quickly realized the awesomeness of what I've been missing out on for years. The parade really was that good. Some parts were hilarious too- I loved Delta Airline's float, with some of their gay flight attendants dancing to extreme club music and wearing little airplane outfits. Hahaha... After that was done, my friends had to go back to campus, and I didn't feel like exploring the rest of the festival by myself, so I returned too. Fortunately, the rest of the Sunday didn't go to waste- I chilled with my roommate Paul outside our apartment, just sitting at a table in the cool Sunday afternoon, reading and chatting.

What an awesome weekend.

Now, about the blog: Someone mentioned that it hurt their eyes a bit to read white text on a black background, which is funny because I thought I was the only one with that issue. I love the design, but it bothers my eyes to read it... Please comment and let me know if this is something that bothers you too. When I chose this template, there was another one I liked that I picked as a backup, so it won't be an issue to change the template if it turns out there are more people that feel the same way. Also, I'll get those blog links up soon (I don't want to review them at work), and I'm also working on putting the older posts back up online.

... I discovered Lostprophets yesterday- what a good band! Listen to Rooftops. You'll like it.

I'm feeling incredibly happy today and hope you are too,
-GTG1